Fighting to Bridge the Gap

     Fighting is how we get closer. This seems like a contradictory statement right. Especially if you have been privy to an argument that led to someone leaving or terminating a relationship. After an experience like that, it is certainly understandable that arguing, shouting, and disagreements can be the trigger that convinces us something is about to change, typically for the worse. I grew up in two different households with two very different conflict styles. One had conflict seldom and always on the surface level, and the other had conflict constantly on the surface level and occasionally the deep very long arguments that seemed to never end. To be honest, I became an expert of avoidance in one household, and an argument closer in the other. I found that retreat and despair were very effective in the non-confrontational environment, both meant I never had to have a real conversation. In the conflict rich environment, I found that I could save up my anger to roll out at once and I did that so seldom, it shocked everyone to end the conversation being had. I was proud of my survival tactics and being young I viewed them as virtues rather than character flaws, because simply put, they worked for me. I am sad to say that it was many years later, that I began to peel those layers back and discover the myriad of ways I had constructed to keep others away. I found I could talk about just anything thing except for that or that. I was comfortable in most heated conversations as long as they didn't involve me. I had no clue as to how angry I was, because frankly I learned not to yell. I was still alone.

    My first long time mentor taught me that intimacy is the ability to share pain. I had never heard this definition before, and what I thought before that, was sharing pain is the worst thing that you can do to someone, or more accurately the worst thing I could do to someone. No one deserved my pain, I had enough of a time in pain management, why would sharing pain possibly be good for me or anyone else. In fact I took great pains to make sure that others could not see it and had a difficult time with those that could. I never wanted to be a burden, while at the same time assuming that that was what I was. Part of conflict is recognizing that your views, feelings, thoughts on the situation matter. They are not the only things that matter, but if they didn't then there really is no point to the interaction. A quote used by a mentor of mine frequently was, "if I hide myself where ever I am. Am I really there?" Or more to the point if your or my experience doesn't matter or factor in, why do we have them at all. Survivors of trauma often look to help others in the midst of their inability to help themselves. They do what they can to lessen their importance and increase the importance of anything else or anyone else. Even in some instances their abusers. To be able to approach conflict equitably, we must accept the importance of our point of view in conjunction with others, not in spite of others.

    Once we discover our voice, the pendulum can tend to swing so far, that the need to win every conflict, to be right every time. Knowing that what you have to say is important actually empowers you to be able to release the outcome of the conflict and be comfortable with simply being heard. When the conflict is aimed at finding a middle ground or more appropriately a meeting ground to help us understand one another, so that both sides are getting their needs met. Everyone needs to be heard. In the throws of conflict someone must, take the first step in trying to understand the other, before they are understood. We must be free to understand, even and especially when it is difficult. The space between us, our ideals, our politics, our values, aren't quite so vast when we seek to build a bridge. To a bridge builder the expanse must seem impossible to breech. That is until they do. As the Chinese Proverb says every great journey begins with a single step.

    It is my sincere hope that there would be a movement of bridge builders. Not for the sake of those that have less favorable views that are not in vogue at the moment, or even those that have self proclaimed "progressive views." Bridge builders are need to heal the gaps in relationships that are so easily broken and to remind the world of a truth spoken by Abraham Lincoln as he sought to prevent the splitting of the American Union. "We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."