Help Me Understand

    It's the kiss at the end of every adventure, the love scene during the action film, the town in distress that pulls together to fight the skill and might of the bad guys with wit, numbers, and sheer determination. It was with the Scots when they fought the rule of the English crown. It brought the Texans together to battle against the forces of Santa Ana, even to certain death. We are told that difficult, painful, or deadly circumstances serve to bring people together. We are not surprised when the hero ends up with the girl, even when their beginnings seem ill fated, like Peter Parker and the girl next door Mary Jane Watson. We want trauma so badly to have a purpose, we accept ridiculous romantic tropes in perilous situations like Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock in the movie Speed. It seems odd that being chased down by a psychopath with a penchant for bombs would put anyone in the mood for love, but we accept it because trauma brings people together, right? It is awful what they went through, but at least they ended up together. Does the Silver Lining really cover the stress of the moment, or redeem the tragedy experienced? Of course not. But there is something inside of all of us that is looking for the point, the purpose of senseless violence, even in films where that violence is staged.

    We had a pretty rough year in 2020 and were somewhat frustrated by the fact that the trauma we faced as humans did not serve to bring us together, seemingly like the days after 9/11 when we mourned together. Not just the traumatic event, but the shared loss of safety and certainty in our country. This year seemed only to radicalize the few and polarize the many and instill in us that we are not sharing grief, even though we are stuck in the same trauma. So what is the difference between shared trauma and shared grief? Grief is the process that we all go through whenever there is a change or a loss. While you may not realize it, there are most certainly changes and losses in your life that you deferred that grief, and have yet to walk through it. To grieve, we must give our selves permission to walk through it and then permission for life to create a new normal. The one thing consistent about grief is the inconsistency in how it presents for each of us. The psychology world has named some of the steps of grief, but the are not in order, or frankly something we all go through as definite as they sound. Some people are good at grieving publicly, others privately. Some can grieve with others and some need to grieve alone.

    When we hit the pandemic there was not only an assumption that we would experience the same shared trauma, but also a shared grief. This was not to be. Not only did we not agree on the clear and present danger, but we did not agree to an emotional response. There was no "fight of the hostages" to eliminate the inappropriate responses to the situation and instill a sense of "We are in this together." Instead the panicked starting to panic the panicked, the brave only respected the brave, the stupid only carried on echoes with the stupid and any shared sense of reality remained just out of reach. Not only that, but those trying to grieve their losses publicly were shamed, judged, or told that it wasn't a big deal. They were simply misinformed. Those that refused to grieve publicly were called callous and obtuse. The biggest reason we haven't grieved yet, is that it still isn't over and hope is coming in and out like the tide. We are still trying to push through and get to the other side, and the unfortunate side effect is that we are having a difficult time with both our close relationships and our outer circle relationships. We are neither sharing trauma, or sharing grief. So what do we do?

The Lord is Near

    If the response doesn't immediately come to you that's okay. We are living in unprecedented times. The first is to recognize what we are grieving. In Psalm 34 David is lamenting and calling on the nature of God in the face of his pain, "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." The righteous call out, they are heard. Do you think that this is a truth that only applies to Men whose sons betray them like David, or do you think David is calling upon a fundamental truth of God, that while we are not always skilled, willing, or capable listeners that God is listening intently to our cries. Beyond simply listening in this Psalm we learn that God is already close to those with broken hearts and is saving those with crushed spirits. Verse 18 is not even dependent on our action or crying out, it is simply in the nature of our God to be rescuer to those that are crushed. It is important to be able to cry out in grief and be heard, because if you cannot do it for yourself then you will miss it in others. God is here to listen understand and if you refuse to talk to Him, He will send others to trip over your unresolved trauma and deferred grief, like when Nathaniel convicted David of his murder of Uriah.

Bearing Burdens

    My absolute favorite question that I learned working in a group home setting was, "I don't understand, can you help me understand?" This question took the weight of obligation off of the person trying to swim through difficult emotional waters and placed the fault on me the listener. I missed something, please teach me what you meant by that. Galatians 6:2 very succinctly explains this phenomenon of taking the weight off of an others shoulders to make themselves understood, but for us to seek to understand, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." It didn't say for us to make the burdens disappear, or to convince others the burdens were not real. Sometimes it involves helping others realize the burdens were not theirs to carry, or they are ones they can let go. In every instance there, they need someone to alleviate the burden for enough time for them to think.

Knowing that Change is Loss

    Every change we experienced last year was a loss that we needed to grieve. Whether that was the ability to go to the grocery store without a second thought, losing slow news days, or missing a person dues to permanent or sustained loss. Thinking "we should have" done a, b, or c by now, or gotten over it, are simply ways we minimize our pain to defer grief rather than walk through it. A healthier way of thinking, is man, I have lost so much this year and it has been hard. What can I do today to move forward a bit more and heal a bit more. Alcoholics Anonymous are famous for their saying taking one day at a time, because they are teaching addicts to process pain in a healthier way other than the abuse of their substance of choice. A great mentor of mine once told me that ministry is a job that provides a constant stream of unresolved grief. People coming in and our of your life. New jobs, new churches, and more change than most people in healthy situations experience. I think that life is a bit like it and some of us are better at naming what is wrong and others of us need each other to help walk us through it.

    I've noticed that it is difficult sometimes to get a bead on how teenagers are handling all of the change they are going through. There is often a built in expectation for them to blow when enough pressure builds up inside of them. While this may be true for some, many are expecting to cope with all of this on their own. We cannot assume there is no grief there, we cannot assume that it is the same as our grief, what we can and must do is facilitate conversations that begin with and don't end with, "help me understand." It is only then that we can share trauma and grief together, when ours isn't the most important in the room.